The Big Gay Soap Opera
by NightcatMau
Summary: In an alternate universe where Skulduggery is female, Valduggery ensues. Yes, it is romantic lesbian Valduggery. Yes, the pansexual writer is writing gay fanfic again, oh my! But it is very sweet with lots of emos and everything. And also a Ghastly/Erskine pairing. Rated T because a few cuss words crept in. One-shot. COMPLETE


A/N: I don't own Valkyrie, Skulduggery, Ghastly, Erskine, Gordon, Tipstaff or China. Val is in her 20s and Skul is female. Because I said she is, that's why. Story is from Val's POV. Special thanks go out to a friend who read several drafts and cheered me on. Thanks for helping me pick out the title, hon!

* * *

I could feel my anger building inside me to a white-hot rage. Skulduggery always did this! Out of me she demanded everything and everything I did had to be perfect. But China? China could kill her family and Skulduggery wouldn't lift a finger. Now I was watching her talk to China, China obviously flirting with her and Skulduggery did nothing to stop her when China playfully grabbed her tuxedo lapels and ran a well-manicured hand down her chest.

On one level I was happy for her. Skulduggery would obviously be with the only woman she'd ever loved. But on another level? On another level I was enraged and in pain. How dare she put an engagement ring on my finger then spend time with China at a party where we were supposed to come out as a couple?

As soon as we'd arrived Skulduggery had ditched me. At first I'd been puzzled, thinking maybe she had a good reason, but as she circulated, more or less flirting with everyone I'd gone from disbelief to sadness, to acceptance. Now? Now the anger was taking over. I took off my ring and put it in Ghastly's palm. He was standing beside me and I knew he and anyone close enough could feel the rage spilling off of me. "Give this to Skulduggery." I hissed through my teeth. "Because if I go over there I'm going to punch out both of those bi-" He held up a hand.

"OK, Val, OK." He agreed. "Don't let it get to you, all right? Take off for a few weeks, don't tell me or anyone else where you're going. Meet someone. Yes, I said that. I know you two were planning on coming out as being engaged. If Skulduggery won't honour that? I don't blame you for leaving. Take care." He smiled and hugged me and I left, being glad I'd parked my car at the Sanctuary weeks ago.

I actually felt OK, even good inside as I drove off. I knew that it was denial, that part of me expected this to just be a bad dream, but I was determined to cling on to the almost euphoric feeling even as sadness nibbled away at the edges. It was over and I wouldn't have to deal with Skulduggery acting hysterical or China's bitchy smile of triumph. I had Ghastly's blessing and I had his honesty. He'd told me in his own way there was something I didn't need to know about those two. I had known, I guess, and I didn't blame either one, really.

China had always hinted at a past relationship. I'd always thought she meant more than friends, but I'd happily ignored the fact that the relationship may have never ended, or had only ended because of me. I sighed. At least China admitted she was a bad person. And I was too, wasn't I? Did I care that China had been there first? Not really. For a moment I felt sorry for both of us, then shrugged it off. Neither of us were good people and the more distance between us the better. I'd miss her, as strange as that sounded, because for as bad as she was she was at least honest about it. I'd miss Skulduggery too, though to be honest at the moment I had no idea why.

Still, as I stopped at a gas station and filled up on junk food and groceries I was happy to shut my mobile off. Because it would be just like Skulduggery to get hysterical and then fake a sudden mysterious illness. Maybe she did want us both, but I wanted a strong woman by my side. It wasn't like I hadn't gotten offers and resisted. A ring seemed to bring all the loose women out of the woodwork because you belonged to somebody else. And yeah, it was tempting. Especially when Skulduggery could just vanish for days at a time.

But now? Now I belonged to no one and I intended to enjoy myself, as sad and lonely as that prospect was. I always kept a packed bag in the boot, so I just kept going until I reached my uncle's secluded cabin. No one, not even Skulduggery knew about it. He knew how she could get and had told me about it a few weeks ago, well, his Echo told me. I think he had known this would happen and I hoped he wouldn't worry when I didn't come home for several weeks.

* * *

The first night was the worst. My whole body started aching as the euphoria of my freedom wore off and the sadness of my reality kicked in. On a rational level I knew China had been Skulduggery's lover before she got married and had a child, and maybe they had been lovers when Skulduggery had rescued me. So it made sense they were together. And I was happy for them. But it hurt like nothing else ever would to think of where Skulduggery most likely was.

I tried not to think of her with China, wrapped up in one another, China having no doubt convinced Skulduggery that the best possible thing had happened. I felt ashamed that Ghastly knew, that most likely everyone knew. Because Skulduggery had been so open about it, had shamed me in public and my humiliation mixed with my rage and unending sadness. Why wasn't I good enough? What had I done wrong?

I was idly fishing a few days later, banking on fresh-caught salmon. I had cried off and on, I'd never taken loosing too well, but I refused to become one of the bitter, twisted and vindictive emotional wrecks Skulduggery always left in her wake. I knew about quite a few women, mainly thanks to Ghastly. He hadn't briefed me to be mean, just so I'd be realistic. I didn't know if Skulduggery had been cheating, but if she had, karma sucks, doesn't it? My mobile rang just after I landed and was prepping a beauty of a fish to grill over the awaiting fire. I checked, making sure it was Ghastly, then put it on speaker so I could work.

"I have you on viewer, Val? That OK?" He asked and I nodded with a grunt as I worked. The remote viewing devices creeped me out but for Ghastly I didn't mind. He worried about me, at least. "You missed quite the party." He said, and I could hear the grin in his voice. I smiled myself.

"I can imagine. Enough theatrics for a whole Broadway season. Mmm, fresh fishys." I murmured half to myself half to him. I wasn't being mean, I just didn't want this to change into Skulduggery the victim. Because if it did I'd go back to her in an instant, I knew I would.

"You look well, and you're obviously eating." He said, and I knew he was probing, looking for a way to bring her up. I sighed. I cared about him and didn't want him stuck in the middle. I cared about Skulduggery and stupidly enough, China too. Which was why we couldn't talk about them. Not when I still felt emotionally weak about the whole thing.

"Yes, I'm eating. I'm a free woman now, Ghastly. I have to keep myself well-fed and looking good. And before you ask, I'm not coming back for a very long time. I don't care what hysterical theatrics or meltdowns are going on."

"You know she loves you." He said gently. "She just needs to flirt and have women come onto her. It makes her feel good."

"I'm sure sleeping with China after I left made her feel even better." I said dryly and waved a lazy hand at his gasp of shock which I swore was echoed. I wondered uneasily if I was being put on display for someone's curiosity or amusement and felt my anger take over. "Please, Ghastly, I'm not a child. She'd do it just to spite me, they both would. Then they would justify themselves. I of all people know what that's like. I don't care what they do, but they need to stop dragging innocent people in the middle before someone else get killed."

"You don't mean that."

"Oh, yes I do." I said calmly and I got the fish onto my plate. "And before you ruin my appetite with thoughts of either of them, you need to go." I flipped off my mobile and shut it off. I knew turning it back on had been a mistake.

I stared at my fish and sighed. I hasn't meant half of what I said. Yes, I was hurt, but I always would be, wouldn't I? I'd never be sure if it was me she was really happy with if I was ever good enough for her. Obviously China had charms I could never compete with. She was like an elegant show cat, always beautiful and immaculate. Me? If I didn't have dirt under my nails you could assume I'd been in a coma.

I'd always be that way. I liked trousers over dresses, getting into fights over reasoning, and I had a jealous streak a mile wide. Even I could see why China had won and I was happy for her even in my sadness. Skulduggery deserved somebody elegant. Someone she could take pride in. I put the mobile back on and rang Ghastly. "Sorry, Ghastly. I just can't- Don't ask me to be the one she comes home to whenever she feel like it, because I can't take that. She's better off with China, and I'll find someone, I always do." I said, blinking back sudden tears.

"I know." He said gently. "I'm sorry you had to get burned, Val. Take care of yourself." We rang off and I ate, barely able to taste my excellent fish because I swore I'd heard a woman weeping in the background.

* * *

That night I was restless and it took me a long time to fall asleep. I knew now I'd have to leave Ireland because Skulduggery would just wear everyone down until she got her way. It wasn't her being cruel, she just could not accept not having something or someone she wanted. I knew she loved me in her own misguided way, and I knew that love would make her pursue me, even when we clearly weren't meant to be.

I wondered where I could possibly go. Maybe Toronto, that sounded nice. A big city to explore, culture, shopping. Maybe I'd find someone there. Maybe there was someone for me. At last I drifted to sleep, images of shopping and eating at chic cafes dancing in my head.

And they were wonderful dreams. Because I had found someone. I couldn't make out his face, but he was taking me to chic cafes, to elegant places and I was enjoying myself, more or less. But even in my dreams I missed Skulduggery, I missed our excitement and was thinking about her as a little bird landed on the table where I am my mystery man were dining. The little bird cocked her head at me then started tapping on the glass top. The tapping sound was like the sound of Skulduggery's knock when she used to come to my window. I smiled in spite of myself. I'd always love her in my own way, I'd just realized she'd never really belong to me. The tapping got louder and I woke up.

Someone was tapping on the window of my bedroom and I felt my blood freeze. It was probably a branch but more than likely it was a knife-wielding homicidal maniac. Great. I stared at the heavy plaid curtains, then gathered my courage. I grabbed my jeans and shoes, hastily dressing, then flicked the light on. I was either going to get ambushed or find nothing when I opened the curtains. I crept closer, my heart speeding up. It was now or never.

I pulled back the curtain and saw Skulduggery standing there. She looked at me forlornly and put a gloved hand to the window. I sighed and opened it. She clambered in shakily and I realized she wasn't well. As soon as she was inside she hugged me tightly, burying her skull in my neck and started to tremble. I realized she was crying and pulled back to look at her.

I'd done this. Frightened the bravest woman I knew, made her as weak as a kitten. I'd nearly destroyed her with my jealousy and temper. But how could I let her stay, knowing neither of us would change? I wanted to tell her to go, but I was frightened for her. My best friend and partner deserved better than to be kicked out, so I tenderly led her to the bed.

I tucked her in fully dressed and shut the window, then turned to leave. "Valkyrie?" It was barely a whisper, but the pleading look etched on her skeletal features broke my heart. I went and laid down beside her, shutting off the light as I did so. I took her into my arms in the darkness, still fighting my warring emotions.

This was wrong on so many levels. If she was with China now I didn't want her to cheat with me. But I felt her teeth find my lips in the darkness, and could feel how fragile she was. This wasn't an act, something was wrong. I kissed her back tenderly, pushing my jealousy and feelings of guilt aside. We fell asleep clinging to each other and when I woke up in the morning I was relieved to still find her intact.

She was still meditating so I kissed her cheek and got up to cook breakfast. I was heating up the griddle and had finished the batter when I heard her shuffle into the kitchen behind me. "I wish I could make you something." I said wistfully. She smiled in reply but looked nervous.

I was going to bring up that we just weren't meant to be when my mobile rang. Ghastly. "Morning, Elder Bespoke." I said sweetly and he snorted in reply.

"I just have one thing to say. Well, several things. I drove Skulduggery there and spent the night in the van, so some breakfast would be a nice gesture on your part. And secondly? That woman loves you, Valkyrie. Yes, she's confused and at times she wants everyone to love her, but you're the one she needs the most. You want to know why she ditched you at the party? She wanted China's help on surprising you. Needless to say I'm as guilty as you are of misjudging her. Be gentle, and let me in so you can feed me." He said gruffly.

I smiled and rang off then let him in, reminding myself that I owed Skulduggery an enormous apology, we both did. Ghastly smiled and hugged me, then went to sit across from Skulduggery. I put on batter, making his breakfast first. Soon I was putting pancakes and hot tea in front of him. "You stayed all night for her, didn't you?" I asked gently and he nodded.

"For both of you. Cook more, a lot more, we're all starving." That didn't make sense but I cooked enough pancakes for a small army and brewed strong tea and coffee. Skulduggery made a small, sad motion at my plate and I gave it to her.

I poured her coffee as well, then watched as she ate. "That was the surprise." Ghastly mumbled around a mouthful of pancake. I kissed Skulduggery's cheek, wolfed down some pancakes and got up to put some bacon on as well. Ghastly got up bringing his plate heaped with pancakes and refilled his tea. "Sit down, sweetie, I'll get this."

I nodded and went back to the table, serving more food to both of us. Skulduggery smiled gratefully. "Thank you, Valkyrie. What are the things you put in them? They are crunchy like bacon."

"Cacao nibs. They taste different out of the bag, but I tried them once in pancakes and loved them. You honestly like it?" I asked and she nodded. I felt terrible that we'd both misjudged her, though in my defense China touching anyone's lover would set them off.

She seemed to sense my thoughts. "Sorry you had to see that with China. She still thinks there's a chance for us, but there isn't, there's only you, Valkyrie."

"I'm sorry too. I just- I thought that if you were with her you'd be with the woman you loved the most." Skulduggery's face took on a pitying look.

"You thought that? Sweetheart, never. I know I must seem like I let her get away with things, and maybe I do, there's no excuse for letting her kill my family and then not addressing it, but I felt responsible, don't you see that? How could I take revenge when it was all my fault? I told everyone I was seeing they were the only one, but I swear that isn't what I'm doing to you, Valkyrie. Please, marry me."

She produced my ring and my heart melted. "You've been able to eat and not eating, haven't you?" I asked gently and she nodded. "Because I scared you that badly?" I asked and another nod. I crooned and went to sit in her lap. "Yes, sweetheart, I'll marry you." I said softly, kissing her teeth. She returned the kiss and I could sense her gratitude. She pulled back to look at me, slipping my ring on my finger, infinite trust and devotion in her gaze.

"I'll always flirt, Valkyrie. I know it hurts you, and I'd never willingly do that, but I need the attention. You might love me and think I'm beautiful, and maybe China is still obsessed with me, but you've seen how most people react. To them I'm ugly and I always will be." I felt tears come to my eyes and hushed her with another kiss, then rested my forehead against hers.

"Hey, you two, eat up." Ghastly said gently as he set down a heaping mound of bacon. I slid back to my seat, nodding my thanks.

"You're both staying." I said around my food.

"Oh, us and Erskine too." Ghastly said, amused. "He should be here any minute. He can make himself useful and put eggs on." And so he was and so he did. He bundled Skulduggery into a hug, then me.

Erskine smiled at us and happily set to work, though he surprised us when he sat down. "In case you ladies haven't guessed, we've been seeing each other. The plan was to come out as a couple at the same party, after you two." He sounded amused, not angry at the trouble I had caused, well, Ghastly too. But mostly me. Erskine seemed to sense my guilt and continued.

"It's OK, Val. If I had seen China pawing at Ghastly I'd have hit them both. At least you had the common sense to leave and not make a scene." I nodded glumly and Skulduggery patted my hand affectionately.

"I just thought maybe you were jealous and it was fun at first. Fun until I realized you weren't coming back and had been told to find someone else." She shot a look at Ghastly, but it was more fondly amused than anything. "I had that coming, Ghastly, I did, so I don't fault either one of you."

"I just thought- I thought I was getting what I deserved." I admitted. Skulduggery gasped and Erskine looked angry, but not at me.

"Valkyrie, do you have any idea how many women a man will date at one time and expect them all to be loyal to him? You did nothing wrong. You were far too young for anyone to be expecting you to be exclusive. You were at an age where it is healthy to see a lot of different boys. We called them suitors in our day, and you would have been expected to have many of them."

"Except by me. I would have shot them all, Val." Skulduggery teased and I knew that somehow we'd be OK.

Later as we snuggled on the couch, the men off on a grocery run, she took my hand in hers, admiring my engagement ring. I sucked in my breath and dared to reach into my pocket. Skulduggery had gotten me a beautiful pear cut emerald, set in gold and surrounded by pavé cut diamonds and I knew it had to be real. What I had for her was a lot less impressive and I hoped she would like it.

I produced the box and she sat up straighter. "Valkyrie, I hope you didn't buy that after I got you a ring." She said, but her hollow eye sockets were riveted on the box and her ungloved hands curled in anticipation.

"Honestly? I got it when I first realized I loved you. So it has been yours for a while now, for different reasons. I kept meaning to give it to you but-"

"You didn't want me to guess how you felt?" She asked. She looked sympathetic, then tilted her head a huge grin flitting across her beautiful skeletal features. "A proposal would be nice." She said happily, making me laugh.

"Skulduggery Pleasant, will you marry me?" I asked, opening the black velvet box and she gasped in surprise. I thanked my lucky stars she liked it, and I had to admit it was impressive. Sterling silver with enough cubic zirconia to please a queen. The three bands were studded with the stones and a magnificent specimen crowned the ring. As I slipped it on I realized she was crying again. "Tell me those are happy tears." I said and she nodded, a skeletal hand going to her teeth.

"They are. I never thought- You really do love me, don't you?" She asked and I nodded happily. "You have no idea what this means to me, Valkyrie, none." She pulled me into a lingering kiss that left me dizzy and as we parted the men returned, Erskine coming over to admire the ring. Ghastly soon joined us with hot drinks and whistled his appreciation.

"That is some ring, congratulations, Skulduggery." Ghastly said wistfully as he settled into the opposite sofa with Erskine.

"Well, you might like this one better." Erskine said. He produced the masculine version seemingly out of thin air. Tears came to Ghastly's eyes as Erskine slipped it on gently. I smiled, relieved both of our beloveds seemed to love their rings. And when Ghastly slipped a perfect copy of the same ring on Erskine's finger both men smiled through their happy tears.

"You found all the rings, didn't you?" Skulduggery asked, clearly pleased. I nodded. "Good for you, I hope I taught you enough that you shopped at a discount." I nodded, not wanting to admit how steep the discounts had been but we were all so pleased and in love it really didn't matter.

We lingered for a couple weeks at the cabin, all of us taking turns fishing, and like everything else Skulduggery did, she excelled at it. She could also dress, smoke and cure her catch expertly and somehow I wasn't surprised. I knew then I wanted children with her because she would make such a great mom.

Ghastly, standing besides me and watching as she and Erskine worked together guessed my thoughts. "She wants children too, you know. So does Erskine. But first come the weddings. I have clothes to make and how would you two like a simple double wedding?"

I nodded. "If Skulduggery agrees. Are the Dead Men coming?" I asked and Ghastly nodded. Skulduggery and Erskine waved us over and we joined them at the wooden bench they'd set lunch up on. I was happy that Skulduggery had recovered so well, though I knew my mistrust might always hurt her as forgiving and loving as she could be.

It hit me then that I _had_ heard a woman crying the day I'd spoke to Ghastly, that she had heard everything I'd said. She'd been so lonely for me she'd been watching me that day with Ghastly and I'd broken her heart. I took her hand in mine. "Skulduggery, you heard what I said the day you showed up, didn't you?" I asked and she nodded. And you never said anything, why?" I asked and she smiled sadly.

"I was more worried that you had found someone, and when I heard you were ready to, that my being so self-absorbed might have cost me the woman I loved I realized then how very egotistical I am. And usually it amuses you, but I'd hurt you this time. We both needed what happened at the party to happen. As strange as it sounds, Valkyrie, I needed to grow up and settle down before I lost you."

"Who are you and where's Skulduggery?" I asked and she laughed along with the rest of us. "Seriously, though? I realized coming out here wasn't the most mature response but I had no idea what to do, Skulduggery. Did I congratulate China? How could I without making a scene? Speaking of which, how did she take knowing she caused so much drama?"

"I'll handle that one." Ghastly said. "She thought it was wonderful, at first. A lot more people love you than you realize, Valkyrie. When the news flew around the party she wasn't exactly welcome. She tried to make light of it and Tipstaff decided she'd look a lot more fetching wearing the punch bowl."

I gasped in delight. "On her expensive white dress? I bet she screeched like a peacock." I said gleefully.

"Indeed." Skulduggery said. "And when I figured out that China had been well aware you were watching and did it to drive you away, well, I'm not a woman to be pushed. I ripped off that wig she wears right in public." We all laughed. I could only imagine China was somewhere plotting revenge because that was what she did best. But I also knew that if Skulduggery had done that it meant things were over between them, no matter what.

* * *

**Ta-da, finished at last, lol!**


End file.
